My Son had OCD Before OCD was Cool.

How many times have you heard someone say (or maybe even said yourself), “I’m just totally OCD”? It seems like this once taboo topic is suddenly a mainstream excuse for everything from tidy closets to how one eats their M&M’s. Well, let me start out by saying that my 10-year-old Joseph is NOT OCD; he’s Joseph. But he does happen to HAVE OCD. And I don’t mean that in a “his room is particularly tidy” kind of way. Believe me. I mean that in a “dozens of therapists, social workers, philologists, physiatrists, and tests agree that my son is a victim of this most publicized and laughed-at disorder” kind of way. But don’t worry, because we love OCD! We even have some pretty popular sitcoms dedicated to mocking the obsessive compulsive.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not offended by these pop culture portrayals; I actually think that it’s a good thing. Maybe that’s weird, but the thing is, Joseph had OCD before OCD was cool. When he started displaying disturbing symptoms that are attributed to the disorder, I was in total ignorance about what could possibly be wrong with my child. There was nothing funny about watching him agonize over correctly counting his steps. We didn’t laugh when he insisted on spending disproportionate amount of time preparing himself to leave the house. I was disturbed when he refused food from anyone but me and even then, made sure that I had washed my hands and his dishes thoroughly several times before each meal, and I was scared out of my mind when he choked himself purple after touching something ‘unclean’.  Because of this, I believe that exposing the public to OCD in a lighthearted way serves to raise awareness and make the whole thing a lot less scary than it would be to those living in ignorance.

All of this being said, I have always wondered how accurately these obsessive compulsive characters are being portrayed by the media. We don’t have TV in our home, so I am completely out of the loop. I got my answer the other day in a conversation with my mom. I was telling her an amusing story about Joseph after she almost made a dire mistake. It seemed innocent enough as she started to lay my newborn Evangeline down on the couch. But I swooped in and grabbed the baby before her head could even touch the material, and my mom looked at me like I was insane, so I had to explain:

We have nine kids, so every surface of our furniture has been pooped, peed, sneezed, drooled, or puked on by an untold number of little bodies. Once a spot is soiled by aforementioned secretions, no matter what I clean it with or how many times I scrub, it becomes contaminated for life, and Joseph won’t touch it through a government-approved HAZMAT suit.  The only exception is this particular corner of the couch that has miraculously remained unsullied in his mind. That one cushion belongs to Joseph. Despite knowing all of this, one day, while Joseph was at the pool, I laid Evangeline in that very spot. I don’t know why I did it. I never meant any harm. But it’s like they always say, “I only turned around for a second…” and before I knew what was happening, the baby spit up all over the safe cushion. I cannot describe the dread and foreboding that filled my heart at the site, and all I could think in my addled brain was, “Joseph MUST NOT KNOW!”

With all the speed of an adrenaline-filled accident victim, I grabbed the fabric cleaner and scrubby brush and cleaned like never before. I wiped, soaked, rinsed, and washed until no smell or sign of spoiled milk remained. Frightened by the large, off-colored wet patch, I prayed fervently that it would dry before the pool closed at five. I watched the spot for hours hoping, yet the cushion stayed saturated, revealing my sin like the tell-tale heart. So at four, I took the whole thing up to the bathroom and fixed it myself with a blow dryer. The cushion dried! Disaster averted!

After telling my mom this story, I watched her face transform to sheer horror. For those of you who watch the show Big Bang Theory, apparently there’s an episode dedicated to this EXACT storyline, and you’ve been shaking your head in wonder the whole time! Who would have thought? Maybe I could apply for a job as a writer for that show. I don’t have to go far for my inspiration. So congratulations, Pop Culture Media, and keep up the good work. Call me if you want to hear about the dangers of nursing homes or what must be done if your foods touch each other.

And, Joseph, if you happen to read this, I’m so amazed by you. You have overcome so much and become such a smart and hilarious kid! You make me laugh all of the time- or at least in between times that you make me want to throttle you. I love you. ALSO, everything mentioned before never happened. I  made it up strictly for entertainment purposes only. The cushion is still safe.

Some interesting thoughts by Joseph:

~”SOME people BITE their nails, but… well, I do too.”

~When Joseph’s dad said, “I ran into that guy we know from Lebo-” Joseph interrupted, “Did you say, ‘Excuse me’?”

~”If I had a penny for every time someone told me I was unpopular, I would have, like, one penny because I’m so unpopular that no one ever talks to me.”

About Anna Helfey

I am a stay-at-home mom of seven, and, despite what that implies, I seldom really know what I am doing. Don't tell my kids that, though. They're under the impression that I've got it under control.

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